Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize