So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
