I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Randomize
