Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
