sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
