Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
