We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
