We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
