im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
