Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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