My girlfriend figured out who you are.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
what the fuck happened to the tacos
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
