I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
