just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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