dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
