If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
