I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I cut my penus on the lid.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Every concussion has its silver lining
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
