I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My feet surprised me
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
