Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
