I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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