Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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