i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
