just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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