Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
