I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize