This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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