Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
