My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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