dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
