Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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