this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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