My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
