I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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