I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
