my phone needs a breathalizer
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
