Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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