Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
