I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I deserve this hangover.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
