My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
