Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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