I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
