I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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