Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize