I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Randomize
