"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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