my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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