if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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