No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
