at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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