you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize