i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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