I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
