I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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