Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
