I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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