just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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