He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize