I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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