I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Randomize
