There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
