I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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