Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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