I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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