I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
