I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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