I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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