I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just had sex on a roof
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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