omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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