I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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