Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
