I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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