in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
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