mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
